Day 80 Liquor Yourself with Shots

Beer Before Liquor, Never Quicker

I don’t recall exactly how that expression finishes, maybe that is due to the sheer number of shots I have done over the years blurring my ability of recollection. In my early drinking days, shots were the quickest and most cost effective way to sample what each of those awesomely shaped bottles behind the bar actually contain. It was only after realizing that making bartending a temporary career choice that I found mixing liquors of different colors, flavors, and viscosities to be an absolut blast (yes, there is a pun in there).

shots are a bad idea
Many limes were sacrificed in the creation of this round of tequila shots. Please take a moment, and sprinkling of salt, to reflect on what sobriety is before consuming this splash of heaven.

Step back for a moment and think about it. How exactly does frangelico, creme de la creme and some other mystery bottle create liquid tasty enough to be confused for nutella? And blueberry tea, without any blueberries and a whole lot of amaretto? Sure there are the other less interesting and weaker shots, like the limey kamikaze or sickeningly sweet Irish car bomb, but save these for the ladies.

For me, my favorite by far had to be the Prairie Fire. Tequila and a bit of tabasco. I like a little heat though, and usually request the bottle of hot sauce to adjust the spice to my liking. The great thing about a healthy dose of tabasco in this heat is the sweat it brings on. Heat all throughout your mouth, a burn in your belly, and perspiration that just won’t stop. Maybe some Bailey’s on ice as an intermediary before the next round.

So skip the standard cocktails and aim straight for rapid inebriation. Shots are effective and quick to prepare. Get adventurous and order yourself up a 6/49. Random liqueurs and dim lights make for a night you likely can only relive through the drunken text messages you might have sent or the topless selfies you might have snapped in the bathroom.

 

On this eve of another national holiday, be sure to celebrate with a variety of different 28ml beverages. Maybe splurge and go for two ounce Muff Diver.

Chris

Day 79 Get a Bit of Extra Life By Recharging the Unchargeables!

Day 79 Recharge the Disposable Battery

Save the Environment One Battery At a Time

That wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, and remote control all use double ‘A’ batteries. You know how quickly your devices suck the power down and you have thought about rechargeables as an option, but the price is usually just a little too much. When faced with the choice of money out of pocket, or the environment…which one do you pick?

aa batteries for recycling
So many good cells all destined for the landfill, or maybe relabelling by Crappy Tire. That would explain why those 50 battery blister packs are so damn cheap.

There is also the lifetime of these reusable batteries. I know the set of four I have stashed in the drawer just doesn’t seem to last near as long as a couple of cheap ass AA’s that come in a 50-pack from Ikea or Home Depot. Not only do those rechargeables not last as long, I swear I charged them just last week and somehow they again are dead from just sitting in the drawer. A no name battery wins out every time, and really many of these cells are from the same manufacturers and just rebranded. The same Kirkland quality at a fraction of the real brand price.

Now to the point of the conversation…you can get a second and third life out of these tubular power packs. If you have rechargeable batteries, you likely have a charger. Pop a couple of those depleted cells in and wait for the magic to happen. Sure you might not get all the original power back in the battery, but you’ll get enough to warrant trying this again and again. I’ve been doing it for years.

Now I know there are warnings saying you shouldn’t do this. I started out of curiosity, to see if the battery really would explode. There was no earth shattering blast. There was no ball of orange or purple fire that lept into the room to set my curtains ablaze. If anything, a couple of those cells might have leaked a little…nothing to write home about. Hardly discouraging.

So scare yourself up a couple of old AA’s and see what life you can breathe back into them. Call it your contribution to reducing non-recyclables. Call it laziness in not taking all those batteries to BestBuy for disposal in their barrel of dead batteries. Maybe you’re just cheap, like me.

If more batteries exploded, I am sure we would hear about it. We will hear about idiots with fireworks this weekend, but not your everyday AAA user.

Chris

Day 78 Share your Pit Stank With The World With Battery Powered Fans

Day 78 Skip the Deodorant

Go Au Naturel

On days like today, where the heat is rampant and mugginess makes you’re pits run wild with sweaty rivulets…deodorant should be essential. We just dropped by Greek Day, and amongst the roasting lamb kebabs and fried cheese there were a lot of very hairy individuals without a keen sense of their own aroma. Fried greek food and unfamiliar body odor make for an interesting appetite suppressant.

wife beater shirt with stains
To accentuate the look, the grizzly beard and greasy hair further asserts this guys choice in going deodorant free. Maybe it’s time I grow a badass moustache, because man stink alone is not enough.

I’m at a point in my life where I think I get it. Deodorant is really just a means of being friendly with people. It’s the hygienic equivalent of sanitizing the language you use around kids and grandparents. There’s those of us that are scared to emit an unattractive scent and attempt to cover it up with a stick of some aluminum based roll-on, or a healthy dose of vanilla and rose scented perfume.

To rock the lack of antiperspirant, it has to be all about confidence. If you can portray to the world that you are an individual with a mission in life, direction, drive, and don’t really care what people think or say…then deodorant isn’t necessary. These sheople (pronounced as a combination of ‘sheep’ and ‘people’, and alternately spelled ‘sheeple’) should just soak up your scent and bath in your aura. They can learn from you. These are weak minded individuals that may shy away from your manliness, but ultimately will sneak a sniff every now and then just to reward themselves for being in your presence.

So what happens when you, with your concentrated smell, encounter an equivalent person of aroma? We aren’t dogs, so we’re not about stride up to these pillars of society with tails held high for a deep long sniff of their butt. We acknowledge politely with a nod, an eyebrow raise…maybe even a short stop to shake this strangers hand. And during that handshake, you can imagine the battle the two human scents suddenly engage in. An invisible ninja-style swordfight…dueling to secure nasal receptor high ground.

Maybe I should dig out that long sleeved polyester shirt, to accelerate development of ‘my presence’. Of course after the necessary marinating period, swapping shirts to the sleeveless wife beater seems to be the most comfortable way to go.

Chris

Day 77 Developing Personal Stink is Essential For Boat Ownership

Day 77 Buy a Boat

It’s Summer, Time to Get Out on the Water

You wander down the water’s edge and sure enough you see so many people out there enjoying leisurely activities on the water. Maybe this is the year you open up the credit line and buy yourself a boat. Not a paddle board or kayak, a mutherfking boat! Don’t over think this…buying a boat has to be done only on impulse.

do not buy a boat
This trawler would be great for a small family. Consider it the ‘station wagon of the seas’. Not sexy, but it floats.

When it’s too damn hot in your apartment to sleep…like ours…it’s great to know there is a cool option to head down to and have that zen moment. Moor that vessel downtown, and assuming you’re working in the area it might be necessary to have a few extended coffee breaks…maybe even a ‘working lunch’ somewhere down on the docks. Certainly there can be a few team building exercises that can only be done while on the water, and the company will never fork out the dough to let you rent by the hour.

You know as well as I that being seaside, or lakeside, is essential to summer survival. The temperature is cooler, there might be a slight mosquito-filled breeze, also the opportunity to finally take up water skiing. Of course, girls in bikinis. Beer cozies. The friends, and strangers who are soon to be friends, that just seem to emerge from the woodwork for a cocktail or two.

Right now I am sitting in front of a computer in a stinking hot apartment and know I really should be rocking myself into a mild coma out on the water. Barbeque fired up and smokies ready for a little ketchup. Some Dark Side of the Moon cranked up to an above acceptable level. Maybe even a hammock stretched out across the railings to take in the unimpeded water view.

I had a boat, sold it…and now it might be time to buy back in.

Day 76 Take Your Books Down To the Boat and Do Some Studying

Day 76 Studying In The Summer

Confine Yourself to a Classroom

I have an exam in the morning. It’s now Friday night. It’s a great time to kick back in the heat, with a drink in hand, and reflect on all the interesting tidbits I have picked up over the last 6 weeks. I know most everyone is out escaping their hot apartments, which is also why it’s so damn quiet around here.

summer studies
My guess is he is either learning how to become a brewmaster, or something related to urban planning through additional community gardens. That’s what bearded guys like…so I hear.

Not only is my apartment quiet, the classes are also only half full. Everyone seems to clamor over class schedules in the fall and cramming more courses into that fall workload than reasonable for an adolescent brain. In the summer, classes are small in size, so you have great one-on-one time teacher, and if you’re lucky…she might be hot as well and be interested in working with you on some extra credit.

Aside from the curriculars, your commute times to campus are way down. The cafeteria hasn’t been raided to the point where all you have to decide between egg salad or tuna. The bathrooms are clean, because no one has been there to soil the seat. It’s almost perfect. I almost forgot…when looking to escape the heat, the classroom is still air conditioned!

Being as even the instructor has vacation plans on the brain, there seems to be a lack of urgency on any matter. Homework assignments are forgiven for being a bit late. Quizzes seem to lose only half marks on critical errors. Your adjudicators for the course are lenient and almost want you to have a good time…maybe take additional courses to pay their way. I guess if no one did any summer learning, there would be a whole lot of teachers out there roaming the streets with a shopping cart.

And really, what else were you really going to do with all those warm summer days? You can still read something educational in a hammock at the lake.

Chris

Day 75 If Anything, Learn How to Brew Up Some Moonshine

Day 75 Brew Up a Little Moonshine

Sugar, Yeast, Water and a Bucket

We have all seen the U-Brew places around town for those do-it-yourself enthusiasts interested in saving a few bucks by filling their closets full of no label booze. We live in a small space, so looking for ways to concentrate anything of value is a priority. I haven’t yet convinced the girlfriend to share in the cost of a storage locker to store a pallet of beer I brewed up, but I am working on her. She might drink it too…one day.

concentrated ethanol alcohol spirit
This ‘shine burns not only on the table…but also going down. Best to take small sips, or mix this down with some hipster derived concoction of guava-kale-dragonfruit. You could liquor a small army with this mason jar!

I have a couple friends that do this homebrew en masse. I also know that when I get that invite over for a few of these wobbly pops in their attractive green plastic bottles…there is an an ulterior motive. Sure, I know he wants to be social and catch up on days gone by, but secondly he needs bodies to consume the swill that he just can’t bear to throw out. I have had my fill of this shitty beer, and even though the price was right…I can’t get back the lost hours spent cradling the toilet bowl afterwards.

That’s why I don’t u-brew it. Stop messing around with beer or wine. It’s the alcohol you crave, so focus on just that. Shiners did it for years, and although the stuff they cooked up may have smelled like ass, the really poor quality liquid was used to fuel the tractor…or just mixed with apple juice for the ladies. That’s the awesome part…you take the 100% pure liquid and mix it down with your preference of cola or fruity pulp to levels you can tolerate. The only extra space you require is someplace to store your mix.

The process is simple, and if I can smuggle me a water distiller back across the border I can double my moonshining operation. Mix yourself up a tub of sugar and warm water, add a little yeast…and let it sit for a few days. That yeast feeds on the dissolved sugar to make the complex ethanol…which is easily separated out with your handy dandy distiller.

When you’re done…the final product never goes bad. You can use that spirit for drinking, cleaning smudges off walls, or general sanitation. A hobby that friends and strangers will always be supportive of.

Chris

Day 74 Have a Little ‘Shine On the Rocks…Then Go Grocery Shopping

Day 74 Shop On An Empty Stomach

Grab a Chocolate Bar and Fill Yer Basket

I know I have heard before that you really shouldn’t shop on an empty stomach, but you know as well as I do that shopping after a big meal results in way less food acquired than required…and not a whole lot of motivation to buy more. That big meal probably took you the better part of the evening to both cook up and consume, so it also means your shopping gets later and later. Stop procrastinating and get your ass out to the store while the sun is still up!

full shopping grocery cart
This is a very hungry lady shopping this evening. How the hell is she packing all of this out of the store?

With low blood sugar, your decisions are quicker. There’s no pissing around checking out the nutritional information on each label. There’s also no comparing of product prices in order to save a dime or two. You get what you want and get out.

And when you get home, you now need to fill your belly. The great thing is most of your purchases are now focused on quick and instant meals. Pop open the microwave and zap a pizza pocket, or bowl of instant noodles. 90 seconds results in a hearty and satisfying meal. While that meal is heating up, that bag of pepperoni sticks is just waiting there for consumption. Pair that tube of cured meat with a beer, and you have yourself a tasty little appetizer before the main course.

You deserve a treat anyways. The extra work you just did hauling that grocery load home did have additional health benefits. The lack of carbohydrate stores force your body into burning some of that pudge around your midsection, and adds to muscle mass. You just bought a buttload of goodies which weigh damn near close to a tonne, which requires some muscle. I assume of course you wouldn’t be caught dead wheeling around one of those old lady shopping carts.

Think about it. You wouldn’t have a fraction of the motivation to grocery shop after downing a half rack of baby back ribs. I know I wouldn’t. Mmmm….Ribs…

Chris

Day 73 Keep the Windows Closed When Painting to Keep Out The BBQ Stink

 

Day 73 Keep The Windows Closed When Painting

Slow That Cure Time Down For Better Quality

It’s been years since you last painted, and now your partner is bellyaching that you don’t do enough around the house. I hate painting, and now that summer is here and I have to use up a few vacation days…it appears home improvements are now on the schedule. It wasn’t my choice, but if I ever want to get lucky again…I have to paint.

painting a room
I can already see stripes on the wall. With the windows and doors closed, you have the ultimate privacy to enjoy both the task at hand, and last years Sunday Comics!

Now, since I dread this chore…I find that keeping the windows closed is actually a great option. The can will state things like ‘use in a well ventilated space’ or ‘do not spray this product directly up your nose’ but what those warning writers don’t realize is the range of outside conditions that can affect my paint job. What if it’s raining? I don’t want water coming in and marking up my freshly coated walls. There are bugs outside as well, and they seem to love getting stuck in the new coat. All it takes is one windy gust and a few of my flowing long hairs shake loose and stick to the roller.

How about durability? A longer drying cycle between coats ensures better adhesion between the paint layers, and allows me to see where the wet paint is in relation to the dry. If you ever paint beige on beige…it’s easy to confuse wet and dry.

I also find that time seems to just go by faster. I don’t think it’s the 6-pack of beer consumed during application of the new coat. As much as I dislike the task, the process does put me in a much more creative mood than normal and my attention to detail improves greatly. You don’t want to ever get into a fact-based argument with me when liquored. You will lose.

So aside from a better paint job and me sacrificing a few more brain cells, I strongly recommend keeping the windows closed during your next painting chore. Sure it might take a little longer for the paint to dry, but watching your walls slowly shift from wet to dry will be that much more fun.

Chris

Day 72 Put Paint Quality Adherence Manager on Your Next Resume

 

Day 72 – Lie a Little On Your Resume

Stretching the Truth Is Better

You kids are almost free from school for all of just a few months. You need to make some quick money, and gain valuable work experience to help you land that gig that will really pay you some cash. How do you get a job, without any related experience? Fib a little, or in some cases…a lot.

resume lies
If you’re going to lie a little on that application, make sure you have not only a good story but a well rehearsed one. Interviewers will catch you in the details…they are trained to spot the phonies.

Now we know you worked for your mom and dad. You got paid an allowance to mow the lawn and take out the garbage. Maybe you even helped an older lady cross the street one day, and volunteered at a church bake sale. None of this belongs on a resume. The fact you are part of the school choir and love social studies or phys ed is also not of interest to me. I want to hear that you work, have worked, and can work. Honesty is a bitch, and mixed with equal parts modesty is a recipe for years of living in your parents basement. You will recognize these basement dwellers by their pasty white skin, and lack of motivation. Don’t be one of these.

Be crafty, resourceful…put together a list of actual skills you have and how they apply to the world. Do you scoop ice cream, or do you have wicked interpersonal and sales skills that allow you to sell more of the crappy ice cream than anyone else in the store? Have you been on clean up detail and have blisters from the acres of floor you’ve mopped night after night, or are you a sanitizing specialist with the aim of ensuring cleanliness audits are exceeded time and again. The key is to embellish. If that’s a big word for you, we’ve got a problem.

Vocabulary aside, when you’re running short on real experience, dropping in fake work experience from overseas is an easy fall back option. Chances are that whoever the interviewer is won’t be bothered with making the call at odd hours for authentic references. If they do, you probably don’t want to work there anyways. Focus on crafting your resume as appealing and concise…and so damn good that when you apply for the job calling you in for an interview is really more of an on the spot hiring. You want them to like you before they meet you.

So write that resume, then take a step back and brainstorm some creative exaggerations. I know digging holes in the ground wasn’t enough for me to land that first job.

Chris

Day 71 – By The Way, It’s Best To Keep Those Secrets To Yourself

 

 

Day 71 Maintain Your Relationship with Secrets

The Less They Know, The Happier They Will Be

You suddenly end up in a relationship. You weren’t expecting it to happen. It was a couple drinks, some tonsil hockey, and suddenly you’re waking up in a strange room next to someone you barely know. Being a gentlemen, you also know that brunch is in order to thank your willing partner for the previous evening romp…but it doesn’t end there.

secret relationship history
Keep the secrets in a single section for easy reference. This guy uses the rest of the book for his random thoughts. Best to keep this out of sight if ever thinking of running for office.

Six years pass, maybe a kid or two, and she still doesn’t know about your whole past. Maybe it’s the bastard child you left in that small hometown many years ago. The trail of jilted ex-lovers that seem to know your new phone number. That name change, she also doesn’t need to know about how or why that happened either. Although you might feel a little guilty about keeping secrets from her, you know it’s safer for both of you, plus she has a pile of baggage a mile high…which you don’t want to start sifting through.

Both of you are much happier just existing in the day to day joy of each other. She doesn’t need to know why you aren’t being approved for that mortgage, or why you refuse to complete a family tree. Let sleeping dogs lie.

The past is exactly that…past.  The best relationships out there are created by individuals that know when not to press for the honest-to-gods truth. I am not condoning outright lying here, however if a little white lie…or a big fat juicy one…helps to smooth things over for the moment, you know what to do. I find that to keep the story consistent, it’s best to write some of those bigger fibs down in…of course…a Secret Diary. During a solitary moment over coffee, I can pull out that booklet and just make sure I am still on script, and fill in some of the story holes if I was to ever get quizzed. Always be prepared.

So, the next time you’re asked what’s really on your mind… you know you could answer it two ways…and only one of those is right. You know which one to pick.

Chris

Day 70 Leave that Front Door Ajar for the Neighbors