Category Archives: Bad Advice

Day 100 Chill Your Drink With Mexican Ice Cubes

The Freezing Booze Should Keep The Bugs Happy

We are many months away from thinking of winter getaways to inexpensive and tropical climates. I think it’s the sunny and warm patio days like today that make me think of carefree afternoons in the sunshine. I must admit, I also played hooky from work today too.

mexican ice cubes
I might need a few suggestions on beach furniture. The stuff my girlfriend picks out is apparently ‘good stuff’, and so good that other people think so too and seem to borrow it for extended periods. Maybe they weren’t a fan of my ice cubes.

While relaxing on a sunny patio today with a pitcher of beer and good company, I got to reminiscing about some really tasty cocktails I had back in Mexico during my sister’s wedding. Memories that made me think it might be just about time to give up the 9 to 5 and aim for some 3-midnight shifts at my own beachside bar serving umbrella-filled drinks to weary travellers. Everyone gets thirsty, especially for rainbow colored specialties.

Now in those countries of a regularly warmer temperature, the fresh water is known to be ‘not so fresh’. We’ve heard stories of Montezuma’s Revenge, Delhi Belly, and ‘the shits’. Now it doesn’t really matter where someone encounters that initial point of ingestion, as the shitty results are the same. You have to take a step back and realize our white-man diets full of processed food don’t train our digestive systems to respond to simple parasites. Neanderthals had no problem with crap in their drinking water and they did fine. This really should be a sign of a failed health system. Mexicans also drink their water with no obvious issues. Indians also seem to have no problem swimming in the Ganges. Why do us Westerners really have such weak immune systems? I blame big pharma and development of drugs for even the most minor of human issues. Add to that their scary marketing tactics to extort money from us for diarrhea immunity. It figuratively makes me sick.

I know…take a deep breath and relax. With that little beach bar, I aim to breath a little deeper and maybe work a little natural color back into my work induced grey hair. In addition to carving out a little slice of heaven to share with the paying gringo, I figure increasing your tolerance to waterborne parasites is also a noble quest while giving your liver a bit of workout.

Without painting a picture…I see this. I lure you in with the thatched roof and open air bar overlooking a serene little turtle-filled lagoon. A dock with weathered grey planks and a couple small rowboats at the end to reel in the nets and figure out what the nights fish-and-chips option might be. Hammock strung between a couple of bowed trees with a young bikini wearing gal working on her tanlines. The cocktails, all iced with local fresh water. The vegetables, all washed with that fresh water. Maybe it’s collected rain water, maybe I might have to extract some of it from a nearby mud puddle. All local, all natural.

We start you off slow. Two cubes of local ice, and a local bourbon, aged in coconut palm casks. You need more liquids…chase it with a beer. The scenery is beautiful and distracting from your incremental frozen water intake. The afternoon slips by into evening, and a gorgeous sunset. Your fish with those chips was actually that friendly stingray you played as you walked along the beach and up to this bar…which is why that meal was so tasty. You’re full, wasted, and have just had the best day of your life.

The new bugs to your system are now immersed and happy. My formula is pure magic, as long as you keep those little guys lubricated with a little booze…otherwise they might turn on you and make that beef-chorizo burrito come out a little sooner and runnier than expected.

Remember, I didn’t serve you that burrito. Come again soon!


Day 99 Loogie Hocking Can Be an Evening Extracurricular Activity At My Bar

Day 99 Hock A Loogie

Keep Those Airways Clear

Every once in a while you catch an adult knuckle-deep in search of that illustrious crusty booger lodged deep in their skull. Kids have no shame in doing a little gold digging, and will gladly rifle through the chocolate bars at the cash register after pulling a few gooey fingers from their nose holes. The thing is not all your snot is readily available for finger extraction. Hence, the necessity of hocking a loogie.

spit on the sidewalk
Spitting is gross. Hocking a loogie is an essential part of nasal health. Consider instead of hurling your yellow-white blob onto the sidewalk, aim for the bushes or targets on the wall or grass. Slippery sidewalks can be dangerous.

On wintery construction sites and warehouses docks in small towns, the union guys were really great teachers of such a skill. When you have gloves on, there’s no time to either pull off a glove and do a little snot removal. I understand why stores sell those little packets of Kleenex, but not once did I see a guy with a frosty moustache reach for the pack of folded tissue paper. A strategic and vocal snort, followed up with sounds akin to a cat coughing up a furball was all that was necessary to clear that congestion. Of course there is the finish, left up to the individual, where either a direct downward shot gets the job done…or the perfect arc in an attempt to impress other loogie hocking coworkers.

Maybe you had a drunken uncle or hockey-playing mailman/dad that was able to demonstrate proper technique. Proper form is always judged on consistency, color, sticking power and of course location of your deposit. I remember my mom warning me of walking down the sidewalk barefoot, for fear I might catch some oral-based disease from half-dried saliva mixed boogers I stepped in. Between the smeared dog feces and pigeon poop, I am sure loogies were probably some of the tamer wet spots on the pavement.

So yes, I am an official hocker. I wake up each morning and my sinuses start to run. They need constant clearing, and after a night of cigar smoking down at the dock…I figure it also might be my body recommending that I also reduce my cigarette savoring. With all that mucous stuck in my head, it gives me plenty of opportunity to practice a little distance projection. Even picking off targets on the side of the road while stopped at a traffic light. We’re talking mad skills here.

And with each loogie, you have the opportunity to gather a health related data point. If it’s black, time to call the doctor back. If it’s yellow, let your tongue embrace that salty, gelatinous blob and let it mellow. Maybe it’s time I start working on a loogie-hocking app for that Apple Watch thingy.


Day 98 Warn the Tattoo Artist If You Need To Pick Your Nose


Day 98 The Impromptu Tattoo

Your Body Is A Canvas

Tattooing is an amazing art form, and one that has been practiced since near the dawn of mankind. Skilled and steady hands have done awe inspiring work on the faces and bodies of Maori warriors. Drunk and stoned tattoo artists have crafted beautiful and complex pieces across the backs and down the arms of many of our celebrated rock, country, and sports stars. It’s an art form we can all embrace, with a few extra dollars to burn of course.

chest tattoo
I had a couple hours this afternoon between Happy Hour finishing up and picking up the girlfriend. The guy I had worked really fast, but I think it looks pretty good. I don’t know if it was an excess of caffeine or cocaine, but I had no complaints as I was paying by the hour!

Now choosing an image, sketch or idea to permanently ink on your body can be difficult. Maybe you have agonized about what to get for years, maybe it’s only been minutes. Easy influencers could be that hot gal with the barbed wire around her bicep, or the beefcake with a Celtic cross stretching from shoulder to shoulder. Rather than think about it too much, just let the image come to you. Something simple, in the moment, and something you like.

Happy hour is a great time to brainstorm. Spend the afternoon in the sun with a few good friends, and ask them what they really think of you. Good friends may just toy with your emotions and dare you to venture outside your element. Great friends will tell you what you want to hear. Maybe you are strong-willed, persistent, and need to settle down for really long naps…meaning you need a bear on your shoulder. Maybe you seem to be first one also to the bottom of the bag of Doritos, or popcorn bowl, suggesting a pork-related character might be better suited for your shortlist. Like I say, ask your friends if you are weak in the head.

Happy hour also usually ends early. This is a good thing, because you can usually catch the best places while they are still open and not busy. The earlier you are, the cleaner the tools, and your tattoo artist isn’t bound to be tired and shaky. If you decided Tinkerbell was essential to disguise a small mole on your right ass cheek…it’s best you get the ink slinger before he too has a couple drinks…even if he says ‘it steadies my needling hand’.

If you miss out on these early evening opportunities in the tattoo parlor, and your level of inebriation still dictates you and your new Facebook friends need to cement that relationship, you still have options. The late night tattoo places certainly have qualified individuals working the tables, as you aren’t the first customer to have the impromptu tattoo thought. The backup plan is much less time sensitive. You likely have the tools handy at your local 24 hour convenience store. A felt marker to trace out what you want. The ink cartridge from your standard ball point pen and a straight pin (even a sharpened paperclip would do the trick). Work on inking a friend, then have them do the same to you. That’s what friends are for!

These are memories you will never forget, just be certain to sterilize the tip before puncturing that subdermal layer. You can’t be too safe nowadays.


Day 97 After A Few Friday Afternoon Beers With Coworkers Might Be the Best Time for a Tattoo

Day 97 Work Beers On a Friday Afternoon

Call It a Teambuilding Event

I got started at lunch with a couple gin martinis. It was a good idea at the time, but the couple hours after that alcohol infused meal…I was wondering how much longer I had to sit there at my desk, aimlessly surfing the web looking for pages that might resemble work. Trying to look busy with a few cocktails in your system can be difficult, but I guess that’s what you get paid for.

obama beer white house
Finding a nice secluded area to have a few work related beer can be a great team building event. Discussions here about genealogy and war were only precursors to the photographed ‘Cheers’ moment here when one of these guys succeeded in finally attaching the tap to the keg.

That was until 3PM hit. Not only did I suddenly hit a wall, but an impromptu invite into an empty wing of the building for a few wobbly pops showed up in my inbox. Try as I might, there wasn’t much happening at my desk and I still had a few hours to kill before picking up my girlfriend…so why not. Drinking away the last couple hours of the day sounds like a damn fine kind of Friday afternoon meeting. Let’s just call it a ‘Brainstorming Session’.

Now these are coworkers I sit with for a good nine hours a day. We create. We argue. We complain about how things are managed…or not managed. We trade innocuous stories about how the weekend was filled with inane family events and how the weather seems to be warmer than normal. With a couple beers in each of us, suddenly we all open up and start discussing hobbies and interests. I didn’t know Daisy was a burlesque dancer on Monday nights. I also didn’t realize Alfred was into knitting, however that would explain all those ugly scarves I thought his blind grandmother made for him. Fred has 6 kids? I was recommending that he just look at getting snipped to prevent any further accidents. Best to be certain, than risk any kind of technique.

And…this is only a spontaneous Friday afternoon ‘meeting’. With a few extra adult beverages in these individuals…such as at a Christmas Party…I am sure we would be venturing all too easily into treacherous and very personal territory. Those secret office romances suddenly aren’t so secret and you quickly find out who the overly friendly and very bad drunks are. Memories that can be a bit tough to shake the following week when you’re watching these previously respected coworkers now up on stage for a presentation.

Luckily I don’t care who might be sneaking around with who. If you’re a bad drunk, well maybe we should hang out a little more often and swap more stories.


Day 96 That Coworker of Yours That Only Eats Kraft Dinner Is On To Something!

Day 96 The Kraft Dinner Diet

The Perfect Canadian Budget Meal

Yes, Kraft Dinner (aka. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for our American cousins) is a staple north of the border. The perfect blend of processed starch, salt and powdered cheese gives us Canadians a speedier metabolism, well suited to our igloo-living ways. Processed food might not sound all that sexy, but in a climate and economy such as this… KD is the best lunch, dinner, and hot snack out there.

kraft mac and cheese
Some like it hot. I like Kraft Dinner after a night in the fridge. Dump out the gelatinous looking orange mess into a frying pan and crisp up the edges in a deep pool of margarine…I’m getting hungry already.

Post-war, Kraft Dinner was sold as the most complete and inexpensive family meal available. The marketing gimmicks might have changed a little since those very early days, but the nuclear yellow noodles still are damn tasty. I remember eating boxes of this stuff as a kid partly because that was all we could afford…the other part being because I liked it. When leaving home, I packed a case of KD into the back of the car, along with other basic life essentials, and headed off to university. Student loans weren’t reserved for fancy meals. Between the buckets of ice cream and beer budget…there wasn’t a whole lot left to survive off of…leading to a whole lot of mac and cheese. 30 days of it to be exact, and I only stopped because I ran out…also because I wasn’t pooping right.

The creators of such a fine product have realized our dependence on cheap food. To ensure they don’t lose any customers, due to simple things like vitamin deficiency or death, the additives have been tweaked a little over the years to overcome these minor initial oversights. I share my KD diet stories and have met people that swear by the product as a temporary cure for ADHD, and others that say that evil bout of the munchies following demolition of a bowl is curiously eliminated with the consumption of a pot of this yellow madness. Go figure.

Sure there are new-fangled highly engineered flavorless protein pouches you could live off of, but they don’t have the cheesy goodness that a pot of KD and chopped up wieners provides. Add a big ass dollop of ketchup, and you really have all food groups lumped into a single very orange pot. Note the Yellow #5 used to enhance the natural colors of the powdered cheese also doubles as road marking paint in those wintery months…if you’re stuck.

So try out the 30 day KD diet challenge. Stash a carton or two in the back of your car…just in case. I am sure there is a Youtube video out there showing the use of a Kraft Dinner cheese packet as an emergency fire starter.

Aren’t the best things in life all flammable?


Day 95 Finish Off that Fancy KD Meal with A Few Deep Pulls on a Fat Stogie

Day 95 Have A Cigar With Your Whiskey

Suck Back a Cigar When You Are Seaside

I have always been a fan of the scent of smouldering tobacco, especially when of the hand rolled Cuban variety. Back in those days when I had a boat, I fondly remember working away in the engine room and catching a steady stream of cigar smoke from one of my floating neighbors. Wafts of singed foreign leaves mixed with the moist and salty sea air is damn pleasant. Makes me want to develop a earth shattering manly scent…maybe as a deodorant. Don’t steal my idea now!

smoke cigar bad advice
Cuban, Dominican, take your pick. When lighting up one of these babies your tastebuds will explode with delight. Now I can’t tell you if that’s the tobacco, or remnants of her third world nail polish…but it is damn good!

I have commented on the joys that cigarettes bring me, but never on the satisfaction a long pull on the end of a stogie provides. We’re not talking about those wimpy little wine-dipped cigarillos, with the cheap plastic tip on the end. It’s only with an authentic cigar that you can appreciate the banding. A tight and clean wrap. The precision of a neatly clipped end cap. The toasting of that freshly trimmed end. The glow of an even burn. The thick plumes of haze that develop along the ceiling of the room. Smoking a cigar is an experience.

Only the taste of that hand-rolled leaf can provide such a memories. It’s those first flavors that really light me up. Maybe it’s the thoughts of the love and labor that has gone into each and every one of those treats. In addition, knowing that the delicate and precise fingers that working women and children have focused their sweaty hands on creating this smoky goody just for me.

And cigars can really be had for any occasion. Cigars don’t have to be just for the birth of a boy, or a round of golf. I know at the convenience store on the corner, I can pick myself up a couple for the weekend, for only five dollars. Since I don’t have a boat to run down to I figure just hanging out on the seawall, maybe in the joggers lane, will just have to suffice. Now how can I possibly go wrong.

Now about that manly scent, should it have more sea air or more smokiness?


Day 94 Woo a Few More Ladies Into Your Life With The Mystery Of a Cigar

Day 94 Polyamory, Love Everyone

Love Thy Neighbor

We have so much love to share. It just doesn’t seem natural to restrain myself to one person. This is a big world with a whole lot of people, all looking for a little companionship. You figure with this many people all clamoring for each other’s attention, there is bound to be a bit of relationship overlap. We’re complicated beings and sometimes it takes a few people to really complete you.

harem scarem
The idea of polyamory is nothing new. Turkish princes understood the satisfaction that comes with a palace full of beautiful women. I bet his place was damn clean and a whole lot of freshly baked cookies every time he returned home.

Now it doesn’t just have to be inclusion of another individual in the bedroom. We lead busy lives, and sometimes it just isn’t practical to coordinate that many people in one location at one time. Spreading your love around might be the best bet. A few ladies in different locations, unbeknownst to each other might be the safest best…because sometimes jealousy can be a bitch. Somehow those Mormons continue to make it work though.

You could always avoid the complications that come with additional relationships, and look for a quick ‘professional’ version. For a few dollars it seems an uncommitted tension release can be found pretty much anywhere. We have a couple of those joints right downstairs, and as long as they continue to deliver satisfied customers…I think they will be in business long, long time.

Staying single and working a pay-as-you-go model might be the most cost conscious approach to life. Having a few extra bodies under the same roof, all contributing to the bills, house cleaning and general group satisfaction might also be an easy way of keeping costs down. Sounds like a lifestyle reminiscent of a few decades ago. With the number of bearded men and resurgence of bell bottoms, we might see a few more of these communal live and love domiciles come back into fashion.

Love never goes out of style, so keep your options open. As for navigating that polyamorous lifestyle, I find being a very convincing smooth talker is essential.


Day 93 – Only Use Cheap Jewelry When Hiding a Proposal In Tasty Edibles

Day 93 Surprise Her With A Ring In Her Dessert

Surprise Her With A Glass of Champagne

Ah, it’s summer and those spring romances are suddenly turning to visions of the future. New couples start looking into moving in together, and even getting a dog. Since kids sometimes require the formality of a wedding… and there are so many of those underway these July weekends… the romantic inspiration is bound to result in a few proposals.

buy her dessert instead of a vacation
This kind of looks like it might be Florence, maybe near the Ponte Vecchio. This just seems cheesy, and expensive. He could have saved on the airfare and just bought a nice meal at a fancy restaurant…with a bottle of Dom. Storybook engagements always end in disaster.

Now you have seen the big deal so many guys put into the process. It’s not just a matter of asking your future father-in-law, then getting down on one knee. There has to be a show. Something momentous and memorable. Something bigger than what your buddy did last year. Something that also hasn’t been done recently by any of the guys her girlfriends might have experienced with their own special moments. So much pressure. You could just buck that trend, and go with a flashy dinner and coordinate with the waiter to slip the ring into her glass. Maybe a little advance notice to get that engagement ring baked into a lava cake… or frozen into an ice cream bar. You know she likes food, just be certain it’s a meal or drink she can’t refuse. Also, a very public place…so she really can’t refuse.

We’re all seasoned veterans of eating tasty treats with treasures in them. Parents start us off young, by baking a few unwashed coins in a cake. I know I have eaten a few pennies in my younger days. I still swear some of that copper and zinc is providing me with my daily recommended intake, because I never did hear those coins tinkle in the bottom of the toilet bowl, and I sure as hell won’t waste my money on vitamins.

Everyone knows she’s a dainty eater, so the chances of her consuming the ring is slim…if you were ever concerned. If that pricey purchase does evade her oral defenses, a bit of exlax and a strainer might be necessary. You certainly aren’t going to literally flush two-months of salary down the crapper. You were looking for a memory, this would definitely take the cake. At least that rock isn’t passing through your urethra.

So, surprise her with goodies in her food and drink. After the ring, I’m wondering what else I can hide in treats.


Day 92 Consider Adding Some Ketchup To That Jewelry-filled Angel Food Cake

Day 92 Pour Ketchup on Everything

Catsup or Ketchup, Always Necessary

Ketchup always makes a meal taste better. Sugar, salt, and a carefully guarded blend of herbs and spices all carefully dissolved and suspended in a blood red goo. Sure that might sound a little unappetizing, but you know an excessive dollop heaped onto a bed of fries loaded with cheese curds and gravy is pure heaven. No other condiment comes close for universal appeal.

ketchup catsup packets
These are great little stealth packets to squirt a little flavor onto any meal. Drizzle some of this red stuff on a quiche, or corn on the cob. Even as a savory element with your gelato! Don’t knock it until you have tried it.

I was once fascinated with easier ways of getting the thixotropic fluid from it’s frustrating glass bottle. Sure sticking a knife into the business end of an uncapped bottle is a sure fire way to get some of the good stuff out, but I knew there had to be a more hygienic way of extracting that tomatoey elixir. I studied fluid dynamics. Constructed prototypes to test on my own personal stash in the refrigerator. I finally came up with an easy non-vibrating solution, and the squeeze bottle came out. D’oh! Ask me about it sometime.

Now squeeze bottles are great. Easy clean dispensing. You can pack a bottle into a restaurant in a bag, and not worry about it breaking. Not every place out there has a bottle just sitting there at the end of the table. You know, ketchup is a nice addition to chicken fried rice. When going out for sushi, I fill one of those little side dishes to the brim with catsup to dip my california roll in. French cuisine can be a bit pretentious and bland too. For any confusing flavors, a squirt of ketchup can do a great job of masking that unpleasantness, so you can enjoy that expensive meal.

Now packing a bottle of the red stuff can be a bit tough at times. I keep an emergency packet stored in my wallet. For beachier days, the fanny pack works well for stashing more oodles of ketchup packets. If you’re cost conscious, you know that you don’t ever have to buy packets, just nab a few extras when you’re at the fast food place. Grab a few napkins, if you’re low in toilet paper, and replace your personal stacks of disposable cutlery. Fast food places put this stuff out there, why not take it? Free ketchup, isn’t America great?

So liven up every meal with a squirt of ketchup. It’s a condiment not just for hot dogs and french fries, it is an essential part of every meal…and is high in Vitamin C.


Day 91 Fist Bump Flare, Squeeze a Ketchup Pack and Burst on Contact

Day 91 The Fist Bump

Seal the Deal With a Knuckle Touch

For years gentlemen have been making binding handshake agreements. It just seems like such an archaic way of coming to terms on a deal though. Outstretching an arm, spreading of the fingers to reveal a cool, sweaty palm. At what point in our history did we decide the shaking a hand was the appropriate way of confirming an arrangement?

no hand shake fist bump
I think I even see a heart shape made by these to. I think they just sold and bought a car…how touching!

Aside from the clammy grip of some individuals, how about hygiene? Think of all the generations the handkerchief has survived. For far too long, we have casually shared those disease carrying appendages with friends and strangers with very little regard as to where those fingers have recently been. I know what men do with their hands, and the thought of trading a skin-to-skin moment with a stranger even as a simple introduction makes my my largest organ crawl with disgust. Skin is your largest organ, by the way.

In comes the fist bump. A closed fist prepared not for battle, but just a simple knock of the knuckles. There is no chance of screwing it up like a handshake. No weird greasy feel that has you clamoring for some hand sanitizer. No coaching required on how to assert the dominant handshake position. The fist bump requires minor focus, a little accuracy, and option to finish with a little flare. There are no general rules or guidelines to proper fist bump etiquette, which means you can do it just as well as presidents or gangstas.

And if the fists are still a little too personal for you, maybe an elbow bump is better. I have seen a few people knocking elbows, but to me it looks just a bit juvenile. I can’t tell if these people are greeting, or are reminiscing of their last chicken dance at that wedding they became facebook friends at. I like to keep my elbows carefully covered. You never know what you might you might pick up from a table top or bar.

Stick with a fist bump. Your next set of business introductions, fist bump. Purchase of that multi-million dollar home…with the realtor, fist bump. Meeting the Queen for the first time, fist bump. With the ease of delivery, you could fist bump everyone as you walk down the street.


Day 90 If the Fist Bump Isn’t Your Style, Try a 13 Second Hug