Day 89 Let Those Farts Fly

Holding Deadly Gas In Just Ain’t Right

In advance of Melanie’s next karaoke night, and the fellow singers bound to be up on stage…I had to put this out there. The last time we went to this venue, there were some very large UFC fans that were obviously sampling the kegs all afternoon. These guys could barely stand up straight by 10PM, and when up on stage for their rather poor renditions of Bohemian Rhapsody, the CO2 in the gallons of fermented beverages consumed had to erupt somewhere. We were downwind.

farts on fire
Could this be a roadside warning of nearby spicy vegan restaurants? Maybe a fireworks store is in the area, and daredevils with a predilection for ass insertion of pocket rockets. Really, how many flaming farters does it take to warrant actual signage?

Now, I know as well as you that not everyone is a public farter. The petite and polite girl is bound to hold her farts in, if anything as a test of ultimate bowel control. With deep rooted fears of people knowing that she too might pass gas, her sphincter has been trained like an Olympic wrestler. That cabbage, kale and bean salad is no match for her intestinal clamping fortitude. Worse still, if she did let a little gas leak I am sure there would be some high pitched squeak. We know what a recorder sounds like…how about a piccolo?

Being this retentive just isn’t healthy though. The discomfort that comes only with gassy bloating is likely more embarrassing than a simple toot. You don’t want your friends and gossipy neighbors to think you might have a bun in the oven…or even worse, a the calories from a few tubs of ice cream stored around your midsection for reabsorption during that long winter nap. Ladies, just relax. Strategic release in small shots might be the easiest. Dropping a bomb might best be saved for when a large guy strolls by. The proper use of a patsy should be awarded a Brownie badge.

The next time you walk down the street, note that smokers in front of you don’t care if they pollute the air of anyone behind them. If you have a large stink emission to unleash on the world, maybe save it for near a toker. Regular release of built up gases ensure no stretching of your innards, and make room for more beer or ice cream.

So let ‘er rip. Sitting on a friends couch. Watching that latest blockbuster in the theater. In the car with family. Try blasting a steady controlled stream into the campfire for a little fireside entertainment.

It’s only natural.


Day 88 Never Pay For Parking Again