Everybody Loves Clowns

My niece just had a birthday party. It was a little bland, which is why the event really could have used a few clowns to liven things up. How much does it cost these days to hire a tiny car full of drunken characters to show up at your house for a kids event on a Sunday…after church?

We don’t see a whole lot of guys dressed up in clown costumes these days. Maybe it’s the popularizing of scary clowns by Stephen King. Maybe that pasty white makeup might be great for reflecting the sun, but terrible for the skin. I heard that performers were suffering from sinus issues likely due to ‘nose sharing’. If you’ve got a great ‘honker’, keep the sharing to a minimum.

I like to dress up as a clown now and then. Wander over to a schoolyard and watch the kids. Sometimes offer them candy. A little white powder dabbed across my face, some excess rouge to pink up those cheeks, and a tattered old wig from the bottom of the tickle trunk. Add to that my really fat pants, an oversized coat and a pair of old gumboots. This doesn’t really sound so much like an actual clown get-up, but more like the Sunday formal dress of your local hipsters…sans extra makeup. Either that, or a poor mime just looking to score a quarter to two from you as you walk by.

It makes me wonder if I could make it through airport security in that get up.

Chris

Day 59 This Ass Needs Two Seats to Be Happy

It’s Better When We Sit Together

You’ve been the first to arrive before. Whether it be a concert, church, or even a movie…you want to sit with the people you know and love. You know who always tends to be fashionably late . You also know that if they don’t arrive soon we won’t be sitting together. You know I like sitting next to you.

Saving seats is one of those life skills we learn at an early age. It’s a means of deterring bullies, it’s a way of building friendships. You go out of your way to make sure there is a nearby seat for that special someone. I remember from days gone long by, fighting to keep a seat free on the school bus for that pigtailed neighbor girl…just in case she wanted to sit with me. Sure it sounds cute, but she also did my homework in exchange for old halloween candy. It was a business arrangement.

Nowadays, saving a seat I will only do at movies. If you’re spending quality time with people you love, it’s best if you do it at a movie…where the conversation is minimal. In advance of my friends arrival, I just lay across four or five seats…and have a quick nap.  I find it also helps to unzip my pants a little, maybe have a big mustard smear on a dark blue sweatshirt. If anyone asks me to move, slipping my hand down my pants to adjust my boys usually sends the inquiring folk back a row or two.

So be sure to wear a little extra clothing, that can be peeled off in layers to drape across a row of eight or more seats. Taking your pants off might just get you kicked out of the event before it’s even started. Maybe a summer scarf or sarong would work best.

If you see me in the theatre napping through the previews, the answer is “Yes, these seats are taken!”

Chris

Day 57 Do They Put Glitter on Popcorn Too?

Why Do Today, What You Can Just Do Tomorrow?

Procrastinators succeed for a reason. Someone else will always pick up the pieces. We all have angels in our lives, and we know those go-getters enjoy taking care of the little day-to-day details. Paying the bills, cleaning our houses, filing taxes, taking care of strata business. You know, all the stuff you really can’t be bothered with doing ever.

Some say procrastination is a disease. Some say the first step to curing myself is to put together a list. Why would I want to spend my time overwhelming myself with a list of all the things I apparently have to do. No one needs that kind of anxiety. The reality is that I haven’t really had to do anything, for anyone in a while, so why should I start now? The garbage still gets taken out. Somehow work still gets done, and paychecks continue to roll in while my lunch breaks have gotten longer and longer. Raises still come in annually and I still have drinking money at the end of the month.

Call it yin and yang. For every overachiever out there, the universe must have a balancing force. As procrastinators, we equalize the efforts of the industrious. We fill the pockets of big game design companies and the inventor of BBQ and Dill Pickle nacho chips. Without couches, Netflix, and zero desire to go outside…we would be putting so many creative people out of work. Valuable minds dedicated to finding new ways to make money from those individuals lacking any drive.

That reminds me…I guess I should also wash the car. I am sure it will rain next week anyways. Maybe I should leave the windows open for the birds to pick the chip crumbs from the carpet too.

Chris

Day 57 – I Wonder If Those Birds Might Pick the Glitter From My Seat Cushions Too

All That Glitters is Not Gold

…but damn is it shiny! Last night we went to a performance of sorts. A gal with an excess of glitter lipstick, sequins, and of course a disco ball or two. Not sure how exactly to categorize the event other than something comedic and different to occupy a Saturday evening. I do remember glitter though…lots of it. At one point, this quiet senior citizen dragged into the performance was doused in a mug full of silvery fragments. At the end of the night, he was still picking the bits from his hair…and looked damn good doing it.

Directions for use, and guidelines for application are really quite simple. Buy two bags, because one is never enough. Sprinkle a healthy dose of sparkling confetti on everything…tables and the dancefloor is an excellent start. Finally, add spotlights and that bland venue can be perked up to something near acceptable. Lighting selection and placement is critical to maximize visual effect.

Why not on water? In a pool, glitter floats for a bit, then slowly sinks to reflect the rays spat out by the underwater lights. Sprinkle a bag across the surface of the water to elegantly jazz up any pool. I am now thinking… hot tub!

Glitter in sunscreen. Glitter on the dancefloor. Glitter in my clothes, hair, food, and bed sheets… if you weren’t a morning person before, waking up to a little sparkle can turn that frown upside down before even getting to that morning coffee.

I think I still have some shiny flecks under my nails…even after two showers…oh the memories…

Chris

Day 56 Add Glitter to Sweatpants to Club in Comfort

Everyone Loves All-Dressed

You have been invited to this potluck party for a few months now…and over that time you have thought about all the wonderful dishes you could learn to make. That event day finally comes around, and of course you don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to even attempt an experimental dish. Plus, you probably don’t have the necessary kitchen gear or ingredients.

Excuses aside, it really is easier to just go out and buy a pre-made dish to bring along to the party. Sure, there may be a few tuna casseroles that were lovingly prepared and amazing cupcakes which you never could compete with. Don’t even try to keep up with those Joneses.

There will always be more than enough food at the venue. When guests take to the kitchen in to make up a pot or plate of food, they tend to go overboard with the thought there has to be enough for everyone to nibble on. If even just half of the invitees take this approach, simple math says an small army could feed for days.

So, I say skip bringing a dish. Don’t show up empty-handed though…and be the life of the party with a couple bags of tasty chips. Maybe barbecue or all-dressed Doritos are always a winner. Rather than just lay the bag down, make it a point to wander around the gathering…sharing your bag of chips with anyone and everyone.

You are a generous and friendly person. You are also hungry, and know this is a great source of near free food.

Chris

Day 54 The Instructions for Opening A Bag of Chips Can Be Found Inside

Operation and Assembly Should Be Intuitive

Ikea has spent a lot of time and money on designing their furniture to be simple enough to assemble that a monkey can do the job. Monkey’s aren’t taking the time to unfurl the assembly instructions, so why would any guy with a clear head and boatloads of common sense need a step-by-step guide on what to do?

The same goes for electronics. If that new piece of home theatre equipment doesn’t have it’s buttons clearly labelled…that’s the fault of the company. Some lazy proofreader that only knew a dozen single syllable words likely scrawled his notes on a drawing…and next you knew there was a ‘Source’ button. If pressing this button directly connects to Radio Shack…I’m in.

As a man, instructions are like directions. I have an idea of where I want to go. Don’t tell me how to get there…because I will figure it out in my own fashion. Maybe that bookshelf is a little lopsided due to lack of installation of some extra parts. Maybe I wanted it to lean that way, to counteract the heavy items to be stored on the opposite side. You ever consider maybe the wall leans, and it’s not the bookshelf?

So, the next time you have the urge to flip through a few pages of genderless characters performing indecipherable actions, give your head a shake. Grab yourself a drink, sit back and assess what you have to work with. You know what you want to build…so just make it look like that picture in your head.

You are better than a monkey.

Chris

Day 53 Instead of A Drink, Start Yourself Off with A Cup Of Instant Coffee

Pure Concentrated Goodness You Can Wake Up To

Instant coffee isn’t quite instant. You still have to wait a few minutes for the kettle to boil, or microwave to heat a mug of water to something above tepid. However, when that water is ready…just keep on adding spoonfuls of those chocolate-colored crystals until palatable.

That morning coffee isn’t so much about early day enjoyment, but more about getting the poop to move. Maybe even to shake the cobwebs a little. A caffeine pill would probably suffice, but powdered instant coffee absorbs into your bloodstream so much faster…plus you can control the level of awakeness you might need…instantly.

Originally developed for troop use, coffee was brewed up, concentrated, then freeze-dried. That cup of brewed coffee that you know from weekend diner brunches, was essentially dehydrated for quick field rehydration and soldier consumption. A warm cup of coffee went a long way to improving the morale of our defenses…when such a long ways from home.

I’m not a soldier, but I like to carry a tub of this stuff around with me while travelling. The hotel room coffee can sometimes smell like ass, and if the maid didn’t do her job…might be only decaf. With a little of my own instant supply, I can perk up that cup of joe and ensure my bowels are clear before leaving the room. Really clear. If you travel, and know the difficulty with that body clock not adjusting for the time zone shift…you know what I mean. Nobody likes a plane pooper.

One scoops, two scoops…whatever you like. Add to water or just let it dissolve on your tongue. Consider stashing a wad in your lip and let the sharp bits cut into your gums for a quicker high.

If you’re more concerned with taste and experience…well, the flavor is a constant work in progress. Experience… ’nuff said.

Chris

Day 52 I Know A Guy Who Can Make Your $50 into $5000!

He Just Needs Fifty Dollars

Just like any Kickstarter project, this Nigerian buddy of mine almost has enough money for a plane ticket home. Apparently Kojo was ‘kind of exiled’ by his family at 17, to go and experience the world. With him ending up in North America, he hasn’t faired so well due to racial tensions…having to live in the rougher parts of town and work as a bag boy at the Shop-and-Save.

Kojo has been working his ass off, so he says, and now has a true appreciation for work ethic and the almighty dollar. I will admit, he is a good worker. Eight years of blue collar life was the goal and now that he has just turned 25, it’s time to head home and reclaim his rightful and rich position on the throne. This princely figure thought he would have saved up enough cash for that ticket home, but that hasn’t quite happened, due to a weak economy and minimum wage that barely covers the cost of a roof overhead. Kojo’s family has stipulated that part of the deal is that he has to return on his own dime.

Now, I know donating to his plane flight fund isn’t exactly playing by the rules originally spelled out the returning regulations. When sitting with the guy to brainstorm a few revenue generating options that might be more profitable than eight bucks an hour, we realized that with his experience as Nigerian royalty he can offer a priceless experience. Maybe cook an authentic meal for paying guests, write a poem, make a guest appearance at a house party…the options are endless.

So, if you have a spare $50 bucks laying around and you need an interesting random individual to liven up your next fondue party, I know a guy that will not only show up with many stories to tell…but swears on his dead grandmother that when he gets home he will return that fifty bucks 100 times, as a sign of gratitude.

I expect to be $5000 richer in only a few short months, which I then figure I could use to fly out to Nigeria and thank Kojo personally. Maybe I could even look into an upgrade to business class. Contact me for details.

I’ll even collect the fifty off you.

Chris

Day 51 Paper, Pens and Pencils…All Free From Work

The Shelves are Full of Highlighters

Companies buy in bulk quantities boxes and boxes of pens, highlighters, paper, rulers…all to save a few bucks. The reality is many of those supplies will sit in that supplies closet for years, without even being plucked from the original packaging.

Since most of those writing implements are designated on the books as consumables, and ink does tend to dry up, populating your home office with some of these cubicle goodies is in a way…helping. No need to fill the trash bins with dried up glue sticks or post-it notes that just don’t stick to anything.

How about that label maker? The reality is you probably just need it for a weekend to label everything in your closets and garage. There’s no sense in actually purchasing one. Borrow, use, and return…for the more expensive items anyways.

With a little digging, and depending on how long your company has been around, you might unearth a treasure or two. Maybe a clipboard designed to only hold two-hole paper, or an adding machine still with a half used roll of paper attached. I bet with a little luck, you might even find an abacus. These items have been sitting around for ages, and now one will miss them come inventory time.

So don’t bother spending the money yourself. When your printer runs low, just stash a ream of paper under your arm on your way home. You save the time required to make that extra trip to the office supplies store, and a few dollars too. Think of it as a mini-bonus.

Maybe there’s a little used laptop or monitor that could use a more deserving home. You might want to ask first about one of those machines.

Chris

Day 50 With Those Saved Pennies, You Could Buy a Plane Ticket!