Be Neighborly and Invite Everyone In

I remember growing up when the only time we locked the door was when we were leaving for a few weeks on vacation. It seemed strange to secure the house when away, but I guess locking the door was essential to ensuring our goodies are still at home when we got back. Any other time, the door was wide open and only the screen door shut to keep the bugs out.

Now when hanging around the house, locking the front door is a sign to your neighbors that they just aren’t welcome. Why would you ever want to portray yourself as a quiet recluse? When borrowing a cup of sugar unannounced, I know it puts me off to wander next door and hear three or four different locking mechanisms being unhitched, only after the peephole has been thoroughly scouted. Are they afraid I might be a meth addict?

The chances are that no one will ever walk in the door unannounced, other than family and inconsiderate friends. With texting being a more socially acceptable form of communication than even making a phone call, why would anyone want to see your smiling face? This lack of sudden visitors should also quell any fears of needing to be presentable at all times. If few people are showing up, wandering around the house with no pants on should be just fine. A shower once in a while is recommended though, you aren’t an animal.

So the next time you get home and walk in your front door, consider leaving that deadbolt in the open position. Have faith in humanity. The world will not come and claim your personal items for display at the flea market. Maybe some of that leftover fruit salad might suddenly disappear, which would be a good thing considering it was already a few days old.

Stay friendly, my friends…

Chris

Day 69 Maybe Your Neighbor Has A Fanny Pack You Could Use

Maybe You Call It a Butt Bag

The fanny pack has been around for ages, just not necessarily slung around a waist for easy access. As a go to bag, the clothing accessory eliminates the need for an extra carrying satchel, and frees up your ass for wallet free sitting.

Sitting on a a Costanza-sized wallet can be terrible for your back. The slight elevation of one of your ass cheeks can twist your hip and throw your back out of alignment. Friends of mine have seen this, and all that cockeyed sitting might have been the cause of my bad back. Now you can’t exactly leave that wallet at home, so having a fanny pack to cart around your essentials is…well damn necessary.

This bag strapped to your midsection is also an increased form of personal security. Rather than have a wallet loosely slipped into that jeans pocket, the strap provided is constructed of a tough nylon weave and carefully double clipped to make the assembly damn near impossible to fall off. Fabrics can be selected to be waterproof, and buoyant in the event you find yourself suddenly overboard after a raging boat party. A flexible, on-person safe.

And where exactly have you been stashing that smartphone of yours? In a front pocket, you’re likely cooking your genitals along with your chances for future offspring. In your back pocket, well that phone is either destined for an ass-shaped crack across it’s screen or the bottom of a toilet bowl. With a fanny pack, that phone will just slip right in, freeing your pockets for less valuable items.

If you haven’t already adopted the pack, maybe it’s time to consider a strap-on bag to house your travelling goodies. Rather than get picky about what color might match your eyes, consider collecting a few. Maybe a neutral shade to blend in with your everyday wardrobe. A black leather version for special occasions. Fluorescent pink or green to match your runners when out for a jog. Mix and match according to how you feel at the moment.

I think my next design project will be to construct one from stainless steel. Chain mail anyone? Chic and jingly!

Chris

Day 68 Let Your Kid Poke Things Into The Electrical Outlet

A Little AC Voltage Only Tickles

I don’t know how handy you might be around the house, but I find that for small improvement jobs…it only makes sense to take the challenge on yourself. Plumbers and electricians can be damn expensive, and when all you want is a new fixture over your dining room table…why would you spend more on the labor than that darling Ikea fixture?

You remember the game Operation? Careful manipulation of the flimsiest pair of tweezers mankind has ever produced, to remove tiny plastic bones from cramped spaces. I wasn’t even drinking coffee when I started playing this game, and still couldn’t help but get buzzed. Maybe half the battle was in retrieving popcorn kernels and other random small goodies from those fictitious body cavities when the original game pieces were unsurprisingly lost.

That game never did teach any real world life skills. Swapping out a light switch with the breaker on could be compared to a game of dexterity and nimbleness, but in reality…it isn’t. Electricity is simple. When it’s live, just don’t touch the wires together. The electrical box with all it’s wires stuffed in place was designed to be installed and serviced by people like you and me. It’s not rocket science, it’s just a matter of having a screwdriver and a little willpower.

As a kid, you saw the outlets on the wall. That weird little happy face staring back at you. You knew that when mom plugged the vacuum in, the thing came to life with a flurry of activity. Blenders, TV’s, even fans all sucked life from the wall through these portals. As a child, you also realized it must be something purely magical on the other side of that wall, so it’s just a matter of finding something pointy to stick in and see what transpires.

I did just that. Sure a bit of a zap. That never stopped me from continuing to fix extension cords that were plugged in. Sometimes, the breaker is either just too far away to shut off or was never labelled correctly. Why would I go about shutting down every breaker in the box to find the one I should shut off. I don’t want to reset the clock on the microwave or stove. If I kill power to the router, there goes my movie download too. Take a chance. It might bite a little, but if you’re careful not to touch the wires together…you’ll be just fine.

Which wires shouldn’t you touch together? You’ll know soon enough.

Chris

Day 67 When You’re Finished, Step Outside For a Smoke Break

Smoke Breaks Are Little Moments of Bliss

We work hard. We deserve breaks. Now the company surely won’t condone anyone taking a 5 minute break, once an hour…but a smoke break…that’s different.

Smoking may seem like a nasty habit, but what the non-smoker doesn’t realize is it’s those moments of solitude scattered throughout the day that really set the creative juices flowing. A burst of nicotine might cause your lower bowel to involuntarily squeeze a bit, but that’s just the sacrifice we make for those many moments of clarity. A break is one thing, a few minutes huddled under an awning in the winter rain is pure creative genius.

Stepping out for a few minutes doesn’t have to be just at work. Any social event or crowded bar is tight on space. I like a little room to swing my arms wildly…if i ever wanted to. Now that I can’t even smoke inside, it’s almost a nice little respite from having to listen to gossipy girls or make dreaded small talk with the acquaintance across the table. Note that this guy is not only weird…he smells funny and I didn’t invite him out. Sounds like it’s time for a cigarette.

I step outside, and sure enough I see other nicotine-depleted evictees hanging leaning against lamp posts and crouching in dark doorways. Other individuals that just needed an excuse to get out and perk that brain up a little.

Smoking has it’s advantages. You non-smokers will never understand unless you light one up. You might think we’re addicted, I think I am more addicted to the momentary solitude and habit than just the nicotine. You don’t know it yet, but your life is only better now because of smokers.

Which makes me think…I could go for a cigarette right about now.

Chris

Day 66 Shorten that Necessary Sleep Cycle with a Cigarette

Stay Up Late, and Get Up Early

Make the most of each and every day by catching that Late Late Night Show for a comedic wrap up to the events of the day. Set the coffee maker to Auto and wake up bright and early to the sound of those strange birds. You know, the ones that chirp incessantly at the first glimmer of dawn. I still haven’t seen one of those damn birds, even after all these years.

The practice of less sleep obviously results in more productivity. You are awake for more hours in the day than your average human, so as a result…you should be able to get much more done. Maybe it’s time you too start a blog suggesting what people should or should not do. Maybe there is a creative project you could take up with all that extra time. Do some good for the world.

Truck drivers have been doing this since the dawn of the automobile and roads smooth enough to transport goods from city to city. Sure there might have been a few stimulants involved, maybe even a little instant coffee, but those cognitive boosting agents were purely for the weak.

Donald Trump reportedly only gets 5 hours of sleep a night. Martha Stewart is also one of these highly efficient sleepers. Between the two of them, we see a whole pile of possibly useless achievements. My guess is they started their low sleep routines at an early age, and with all that extra time…came up with some great ideas. Ideas they also had the time to execute on.

If you’re currently getting eight hours a night…imagine shaving off three of those. Over the course of a year…you have just added over a thousand hours of possible productivity per annum. To put it in perspective, that’s 125 eight hour days!

And if your sharpness is slipping…have a quick cat nap. I don’t have enough words to describe just how awesome naps are. I could use one now.

Chris

Day 65 Flip on the Telly and Kill Some Time While Not Sleeping

Home & Garden, Lifestyle, Movies or Sports?

I know it’s summer, and we should all be outside working on our tanlines. Not all of us are as productive though, and might be looking to save a few bucks rather than fritter away those hard earned dollars on some substandard restaurant offerings or subtitled foreign film. How do you save money? Get every channel your cable company can throw at you.

Now normally the extra HBO or movie channel packages can boost your monthly cable bill to something less than friendly. Having all those viewing options available though will keep you from wildly spending your dough on cheap booze and pull tabs. Your place could be ‘Entertainment Central’! How much does that extra package of channels really cost?

I remember making a point to head out to a local pub to watch the hockey game. Part of that was because I didn’t get the channel the game was on at home. The remainder was due to a lack of beer in the fridge. Now if you think a game runs over the course of 2-3 hours. That’s 3-4 drinks, on a school night, and even game day specials probably total to around 15 bucks. If I was willpower was on the weaker side due to poor performance of the Canucks, chicken wings were involved. Add another 5-10 dollars depending on how many birds I felt were worth delimbing for the night. Do this even just once a week and the math is simple…buy a six-pack from across the street and pay for the package of sports channels.

Now I might not have easy access to rectal-burning chicken wings, but if I really had to…I could order in. Order Chinese and watch the game at home! Not worry about piss on the toilet seat, or waitresses that never seem to come. Win, win, win.

And if that Chinese doesn’t sit well with me…

Day 64 Did that Waitress Have Pierced Nipples?

Other Naughty Bits Too, If You’re Into That

You have two nipples, and they have been parked there for years on your chest…idly. Now there are mothers out there that put those nipples to good use, but for the rest of us…the darkened areolae are there awaiting a purpose.

With advancements in sterilization, and craftsmen looking for other ways to market rings and studs normally destined for earlobes…the nipple is a logical next step. As perfect as the breast is in design, the nipple seems to be located only for decoration. The joy of this decorative feature is here you have a part of the body that responds firmly to any physical stimulation. If you are like me, you also want to keep those nipples erect most of the time…running a ring through the pointy tip is a great start.

I had both of mine done many years ago. I do agree that with a couple of metal rings running through the center of each nip does provide a little perk. I also found that flannel was the best option to keep the chafing to a minimum. Grunge fashion had purpose as well as comfort. It’s the crowd surfing that takes a toll on any loose body hardware.

If little hoops aren’t your speed, maybe a couple barbells are a better option. The added attention two extra knobs provide when wearing a snug fitting wife beater, can be quite interesting. Personally, I always found the barbells would snag when towelling off after a shower. Too much, too early in the day for me which made those shiny balls on a bar definitely not my preference.

So yes, I am recommending piercing of the nipples. Not one, but both. If you like…maybe more than once for each. Friends will find you daring, and strangers will wonder what you might have stored under that shirt.

Go with a couple rings large enough, and I have heard you can boost your cell phone range. Maybe that was after stringing a light chain between the two.

Chris

Day 63 You Might Want to Pay For Those Piercings With a Card

Spend Now, Pay Later

I see so many awesome and fun gadgets out there that I too need to have. My life is not complete without a tablet, smartphone, and laptop. Not just that, but if I have forked out the dough for a monthly data plan hefty enough to stream music or movies continuously, I might as well have a car that can also connect with all these devices.

I need to stay connected. You might think I just have FOMO. No, I don’t have any fear of missing out…I just need to be available in the event that last minute invite does come up…even if it’s during dinner. All that connectivity comes at a price, which I know I can just pay later.

You might think this is a poor life strategy. Interest rates have been low for…well…damn near forever it seems. Every time there seems to be an imminent interest rate hike…the Feds decide to cut that overnight rate again. The effect for us regular folk is yet even lower credit line interest rates.

I can borrow 100,000 dollars for about $300 per month. That is crazy cheap money, and if it means I too can have a cottage at the lake…why not! We aren’t our parents who had to work hard for minor luxuries. Every company and organization seems to have a payment plan or low credit offering that makes acquisition of goods to make our lives easier…all within reach.

Not just goods…but memories. Credit is a great way to fund those far away trips to exotic lands. If you’re taking four flights to get to some remote paradise with crystal blue water and uber white sand that squeaks under your toes, you don’t want to spend your time sleeping in a tent. Four stars, afternoon massages with cocktail in hand. Maybe even a personal photographer to capture your memories, since your time is better spent just enjoying rather than documenting.

You can always pay for it when you’re back home working. What else were you going to do with those paycheques? Plus, doesn’t money get cheaper with time?

Chris

Day 62 When at Home, Stick to the Cheap Booze

Quantity Always Wins Over Quality

I’m not much of a connoisseur of fine liquors, but I do know that when mixed with cola…almost any booze is tolerable. It’s Friday, and payday isn’t for another three days. What that means is the only way to make it through the weekend is to drink the cheap stuff. What’s on special tonight?

Now maybe you have a few frequent drinking holes you like to attend. The quality of those establishments might vary from week to week depending on what you have saved up in the kitty. For tonight, I think the only drink that matters is the one I can afford. You know, the two dollar beer…that they just call a ‘mystery special’. Some might like the intrigue associated with a random cheap beer, I see it as an easy way to numb the experience of another work week.

Now as that tepid ale bloats my belly and the whiff of alcohol seeps into my bloodstream, I find myself getting all wordy and contemplative. Why would anyone pay more than they had to for just a drink? Top shelf vodka tastes pretty much the same as your bar rail equivalent, especially with mixed down with a little grapefruit juice and pinch of salt. The pretty waitress might not be so pretty in a better light, and really she is only bringing you a drink. There’s no phone number, extra back rub…or front rub involved. Currently, you are looking at being two things, social and drunk…no one is judging you based on which bottle your two ounces was poured from.

So I say sure life is short. Your budget is what should dictate your night. And hey, if you never get a taste for the good stuff then you really don’t know what you might be missing. Yes, I could buy a bottle and drink out of a paper bag in the alley, but I find the bums are less social than the Def Leppard t-shirt wearing ladies standing at the bar.

I don’t like knowing what you think I should know.

Chris

Day 61 This Classy Joint Also Has Carpet In the Crapper

Shag can be Shagadelic Baby

What happened to the 70’s…and 80’s for that matter? I miss the days of being able to walk into a bathroom, and still have all the comfort underfoot that I might have in a bedroom or living room. Not only softness you can walk on, but the sound dampening quality of a carpeted bathroom can make that big empty, and tiled space, excellent for acoustics. I hear Jimi Hendrix used to sing and write while sitting on the crapper in his grandma’s bathroom. A movement indeed!

Standing for a pee, or sitting for a poop…those unnatural fibers all intertwined in my toes…it’s really quite relaxing. With the right decor, like some candles or a collection of shells…you could really make a true ‘throne’. If you’re an interior designer, I can’t stress enough the need to pick a suitable color for the rug. Light colors might look spectacular on install, but you have to be thinking longer term. Shades that are patterned can help to disguise the discolorations that happen with time…or parties.

The challenge with any carpeted bathroom is where to put the toilet brush and plunger. You know when having company over, someone will have the need for a quick plunge to hide evidence of their high fiber diet. After a quick in-and-out of the plunger, it’s tough to find a decent spot to stash the plunger so as to not leave a big water ring on the rug. To avoid such guest embarrassment, hide the plunger and just encourage everyone to pinch it back.

Maybe resorting to a plush mat around the toilet is enough. Match it with the equivalent toilet seat cover. At least it catches the odd stray drop or two.

Chris

Day 60 Invite a Troupe of Clowns Over for Laughs